In The Last 4 Months...

Day one

2 weeks old

2 months old

3 months old

4 months old

The last 4 months have brought a whirlwind of change and emotions for me. I am ecstatic to finally be in the mommy club. It has been such a long and emotional road for me and Lance that I sometimes thought it wasn't going to happen. I enjoy every minute with my little man...playing with him, watching him discover new things, watching him sleep, seeing his personality develop. It is such an amazing thing to watch this little person that you created discover and grow and learn.

I was lucky enough to have been able to stay home with him during his first 10 1/2 weeks of life. It was such a great time to bond with him and get to know him. I was never the kind of person who wanted to be a full time stay-at-home Mom, but I enjoyed (and still do!) every second I spend with him. I went back to work on November 1 and had mixed emotions about that. As much as I miss seeing Logan all day everyday, I was really craving adult interaction. I wasn't confident enough to leave the house for very long with him on my own, so I didn't get out much. I think about him all day when I'm at work, though. I'm so very grateful for the jobs that Lance and I have. I am home by 3:30pm everyday, I never have to work a weekend or a holiday and we have a lot of time off during the year during the summer and other breaks. They are the perfect jobs for us to have!

Along with the joy of having Logan around, I faced a lot of other emotions that I wasn't ready for. I felt guilty for having to stop breastfeeding so early on in his life. My hormones, which were very much under control during my pregnancy, were completely out of whack after I gave birth. Then I dealt with a pretty heavy case of the baby blues. It didn't develop into postpartum depression, but it was definitely something that I wasn't prepared for or knew exactly how to get through. It would always strike me in the evening. Lance would ask me a simple question like, "does chicken sound good for dinner?" and I would find myself hiding in the bathroom to cry for the next 20 minutes...and wonder why in the heck was I crying?

I also struggled with a lot of personal relationships. There were a few people that I had felt really close to and then after Logan was born, it was as if they had disappeared. It was months before I got so much as a text from them to find out how I was doing. On the flip side, there were people who I didn't feel quite as close to or hadn't seen or talked to in YEARS that were contacting me to find out how I was doing. One of them even went out of her way to make and bring us dinner! It was so sweet of these people to think of me and I will forever be grateful to them.

The last 4 months have left me with a lot to think about. Of course, my main priorities have changed for us and my focus is now on Logan. However, I have learned that I can't lose myself in my new role or rely on other people to make me happy. I need to figure out how to do that myself. This next year, I will be devoting myself to change and a year of firsts...my first year as a Mom, different activities, hobbies and new adventures. I want to be a better person for myself, my husband and my son.

Here goes nothing!

Logan

Our first family picture!

It has taken me a really long time to update my blog and I'm so happy that I finally have a chance to do it! Here is a little bit of what happened when Logan entered the world:

At 11:28pm on August 18, Logan was born. I went into the hospital on Tuesday, August 17 at 6pm and they started inducing about an hour later. I was feeling really great until about 2am...when the contractions were starting to get intense and seemed like they wouldn't let up. The nurses kept telling me that I needed to try and rest as much as possible but I knew that I wouldn't be able to with those contractions, so I asked for an epidural. It was the best possible thing I could have asked for. The little prick in my back brought me instant relief...and the anesthesiologist instantly became my best friend. Lance and I were able to get some sleep after that. All was well.

At about 8:45am the family started to arrive. My parents, sister and Lance's dad all arrived at the same time. I was talking to my Mom and sister when, at promptly 9:05am, my water broke. It was sudden and unexpected but very much welcome! We thought FOR SURE it wouldn't be long after that. Boy were we wrong!

The time passed and we waited...and waited...and waited. The doctor came in to check on me every once in a while but I was progressing so slowly that there wasn't much more to do than just wait. Luckily, I was feeling FANTASTIC from the epidural and wasn't in any pain whatsoever. My family kept staring at the monitor in amazement that I wasn't feeling the huge contractions that I was having. Lance kept me entertained by reading me all of the comments that people were leaving on Facebook.

Things started changing around 9pm. I was starting to feel A LOT of pressure *down there*. My epidural was also wearing off so I was starting to feel everything. It is quite a shock going from feeling absolutely nothing to feeling EVERYTHING at 8-9cm dilated. The anesthesiologist came in to see if he could adjust my epidural. It worked for a very short amount of time and then stopped working. He tried a different medication but that didn't work at all. After 18 hours of having the epidural, my body became tolerant of it and it stopped taking effect. I didn't have any other choice at that time but to just breathe and get through it.

After a while of squeezing the crap out of my sister's hand while breathing through contractions, I thought for sure that I was ready to push. My doctor came in and said that I had not progressed and that I was still only 8-9cm. I was absolutely miserable by this point. The contractions were seriously strong, I could feel him drop into the birth canal and I was shaking almost uncontrollably in my bed. I was also unbelievably hot. My family said the room was an ice box but it wasn't cool enough for me. My sister put wet washcloths all over me...on my head, arms, legs, feet...and it still wasn't enough. By this point I had also developed a fever. I saw the nurse consulting with the doctor and I knew what it was about. The came over to me with what they thought was going to be bad news to me...I was going to need a c-section. I was elated! I was ready to meet my new little man.

Everything went super smooth in delivery. It took about a half hour and then they rolled me into recovery. The nurse was really nice and let me talk her ear off...which is what I needed at that moment to get through the pain. After about an hour, my pain was under control and I was rolled into my postpartum room down the hall.

I will never forgot the moment I first saw my baby boy. In my eyes, he was perfect. I think my first words were, "he's so cute!" I was so happy to hear that he was here...safe...healthy. After years and years of trying to start a family with Lance, we had finally done it. I couldn't have been happier!

Except for one lactation consultant at the hospital, the care I received was absolutely top notch. All of my nurses in labor and delivery, surgery, recovery and postpartum were so unbelievably nice and supportive. My doctor and anesthesiologists were fantastic. The perinatologists and medical assistants were so friendly and nice. I couldn't have asked for a better team of doctors and professionals to have helped me in my journey. Maybe we will all meet again in a few more years.

Maybe...