Forgiving Myself

Monday morning, I woke up from a very vivid dream.  In it, I came across a newly opened chocolate shop in the neighborhood where I currently live and I decided to check it out.  After going inside and noticing the very friendly, smiling clerk behind the counter, I froze.  I couldn't move.  All I could do is stand there and watch her as she helped other customers in the store.  I remember her telling the customers that she had recently moved back into the area and was really happy about starting this new business.  After about a minute, she noticed me standing there and asked if she could help me with anything.  I walked towards her, still not being able to speak, and stood in front of the counter.  She stood there smiling at me while asking me questions like what samples I wanted to try, if I lived in the neighborhood, how I found her shop, etc.  I couldn't move, but that didn't seem to stop her from talking to me or even thinking that anything was wrong with me.

Then it hit me.  She didn't recognize me.  She had no idea who I was.  She had completely wiped me out of her memory.  Either that, or she had played it off really well like she didn't know who I was.  I couldn't figure it out, but I was stunned.  She treated me as if I was any other new customer at the shop that she was meeting for the first time.

The last thing I remember about the dream was walking out of the store.  I felt a mixture of sadness and relief.  For whatever reason, I felt as if that would be the last time I would ever see her.  But, I was relieved to see how happy and content she was.

The person in my dream is no stranger to me, although the years that have passed since the last time I saw her would make it seem as if we were.  She was one of my very best friends throughout high school and into the early college years.  We hung out a lot, had common interests, and overall had a lot of fun together.  We vacationed together.  I have a lot of really awesome memories of her and our time together.

The reason why I haven't seen her in many, many years is completely and solely my fault.  I won't get into the specifics of what happened, but I can say that I am the only one to blame for our friendship hitting the wall. To make it even worse, I'm sure that she didn't even see the end coming.

A few years ago, I told my husband that I needed to write to her.  I had been having a lot of dreams about her and I started really worrying about her and how she was doing.  A few years had passed since I had last talked to her and because of my behavior, I knew that I wasn't guaranteed any kind of response from her. But, I needed to apologize.  I needed to tell her how sorry I was for the way I acted.  I make it a mission to not have regrets in my life, but what I did to our friendship is one thing that I do regret.

About a week or so after writing that email, I received a response from her.  My heart raced when I opened my email that day as I had no idea what to expect.  It was a very short but nice response.  It was a great relief, but I was hoping for more.  Not that I DESERVED more by any means at all.  She had every right to not respond, call me out, send something awful....but she didn't.

Since then, I have sent her a short "Happy Birthday" email every year on her birthday.  Every year, she would respond and I would feel a little relieved that she even took the time to do that.  This last Christmas, she even sent me an email (without me writing one first) wishing me a merry Christmas.  I was absolutely shocked and elated that she thought of me on the holiday.  It meant so much to me that she sent that.  More relief.

This summer, like every other year, I sent her my usual "Happy Birthday" email.  Her birthday was almost a month ago.  Unlike the other years, I didn't get a response this time.  It's totally okay.  I don't blame her one bit.  I'm sure she moved on from our friendship years ago.  But, I keep feeling like I have to keep trying.  I have to keep proving how sorry I am.  I have to keep letting her know that she's thought of.

I don't know if she has forgiven me or not.  I hope she has, but if she hasn't, I deserve that.  Where I'm still struggling is with me.  I have not forgiven MYSELF.  I thought that writing that first email and getting a response from her would be enough to help me get passed the situation, but it hasn't.  I still think about her a lot and hope that she's happy.  I hope that she has found a job that she loves and true friends that she can lean on.  I hope that she loves where she lives and the life that she is living.

In my dream, I saw someone who was living a happy life doing something they love and had clearly moved on. I can only hope that it is reflective of how her life is now. I saw myself struggling to let go of a past mistake.

If you're one of my friends who I tend to check up on occasionally to make sure all is well in your world, this is part of the reason why.  I don't want to ever make this mistake again.  I don't ever want to miss something and regret it later.  I want to make sure that I'm there for my friends and loved ones when they need me and I want them to KNOW that.

I'm a work in progress, but I'm getting there.