My "A-ha!" Moment

For Valentine's Day this year, Lance bought me my very own Nook. I have to admit, although very shamefully, that I have never been much of a reader. It has really been years since I have picked up a book to read. Sure, I read newspapers and magazines, but hardly ever a book. I absolutely love my new gift. I think I have read more in the last two weeks than I have in the last 5 years. Again...I am not proud of this fact.

I have found over the years that I am definitely more interested in non-fiction than anything else. I love reading people's stories...accomplishments, falls, failures and triumphs. The first book I purchased with my new e-reader was Gunn's Golden Rules: Life's Little Lessons For Making It Work by Tim Gunn. I am blowing through it faster than I could have ever imagined. I love it. I have been a fan of his for some time and I really love him on Project Runway.

There was a very particular paragraph in his book that made me stop dead in my tracks. I have mentioned before that I feel as though some of my personal relationships have gotten weaker in the last 6 months. I have tried talking to Lance about it but I never felt satisfied with my conclusions. Tim Gunn offered a new perspective that I think goes pretty perfectly with my situation:

"I find with complaints in general, you need to know the whole context, including what the expectation was. So frequently, I've found that the expectation has been totally false, a creation of the person's own imagination. They're disappointed not to get something they were never promised."

I have learned that I have put expectations on people that have no idea they are being held liable for anything. I created the expectation and found myself disappointed when there was no follow-through. I brought this on myself. The lightbulb finally came on...and I was actually relieved to have realized this.

Thank you, Tim Gunn! You may have saved me some very precious future time in therapy.

It's kind of like that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie's boyfriend tells Miranda that the guy she thinks is going to call her really ISN'T going to call because "he's just not that into you." Apparently, I find myself trying too hard to keep things alive that maybe should be put to rest.

So, then the question remains...how long do you try to save a relationship before it is too much? When you're friends with someone, shouldn't there automatically be some unspoken expectations? I'm not sure what the answers are, but I do know now that I have to learn to reset my expectations of people...including myself.