So many things have happened in the last year and a half. We had to say goodbye to a couple of our furry family members. We sold our house and moved in with my parents for 6 weeks. We then moved into a great condo about a mile from where my sister and I grew up. Lance and I celebrated 10 years of marriage. Logan turned 2 years old and started preschool. I took on more job responsibilities. I have lost friends and I have gained friends. And, somewhere along the way, I seem to have lost myself.
I'm still at a loss for how it happened, but I know it did. My anxiety has grown exponentially and my confidence has shrunk. I get mad at myself for not being organized, forgetting things and feeling unproductive. I used to be able to let the little things go much more easily. Now, I have a hard time telling my brain to shut off and usually find myself tossing and turning at night without getting much sleep. This is not the *me* that I used to know.
I didn't have postpartum depression after having my son, but I definitely developed some sort of postpartum anxiety disorder. With a huge sigh of relief, I can say that a lot of that is over now. I do still deal with it occasionally, but the severity of anxiety that I had experienced is something that I can't quite explain or, more honestly, don't want to even think about much. I'm just so glad that I seem to be on the way out of that experience. It wasn't pleasant...for any of us.
One thing that I do know is that I LOVE being a mother...and a wife...and a daughter...and a sister...and a friend. I love nothing more than picking up my little guy from school and bringing him home to play until he has to go to bed. I love watching my son discover things, say new words and have genuine emotions and reactions to the world around him. I love hanging out with my hubby, my family and friends. I have a really great life and I'm so grateful for it. But, I have to figure out a way to be happy with ME.
I'm really striving to live in the moment and to know that in this moment, I am okay. I worry too much. I make myself sick with worry and I know it's not good for me. All of my issues...my insecurities, my worry, my doubts...are mainly internal. On the outside, most people think nothing is wrong. I have a student who asks me at LEAST once a week, "Kirsti, why are you laughing so much?" I am a genuinely happy person. I just need to learn to let things go and relax. My mission is to find out how to do that.
There are a lot of people who have stuck by me and have been better friends than I ever could have imagined. To those who have offered hugs, words of encouragement and have really been there, I thank you sincerely.
5 comments:
Thank you for sharing. I look forward to learning more.
Unfortunately you may need to consider the fact that some of the anxiety you feel is heredity. Grandma June suffered from severe anxiety that impacted her life greatly. I have suffered from anxiety for as long as I can remember at times making me almost unable to function. My sister has had issues with anxiety also. I am like you, I am a happy person and most people can't see anything wrong but the feelings of anxiety are horrible. I hope you find ways to learn to move away from the anxiety and find peace.
-SG
I love and admire your honesty....being vulnerable is hard to do. Your struggles are ones I often feel, as well.
Thanks!
Jenny
Kirsti - Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing. Your transparency will help others realize they are not alone. Because you aren't alone. In fact, all (most?) folks go through similar periods; and it's not uncommon to go through them several times in a lifetime, especially around significant milestones. People from the outside see all the crazy good stuff going on in your life so that probably makes it even harder to confide in anyone, because they "just don't understand." I was in quite a funk several years ago when I reached 50. I was beating myself up for not having accomplished all the things I had dreamt about, and had to face the fact that some were just not attainable anymore give my age. All of my friends could tell me was that it was typical mid-life stuff, so buck up and press through it. Or they just shook their heads and said how could I have anything to complain about? They would swap shoes with me in a heart beat. Obviously that kind of "encouragement" didn't help. But then I was given a resource by a friend of mine who did "get it", because he had gone to therapy for a similar issue. He shared with me what his therapist recommended for him, which worked for him and "changed his life." The tool/approach is called Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. It's Cognitive Therapy and you don't need any specialized training or outside help to do it for yourself. Just a few things to consider. In a nutshell, it helps us train our mind to respond differently, healthier, to events, circumstances and other stimuli. As you said "All of my issues...my insecurities, my worry, my doubts...are mainly internal." This Cognitive Therapy tool recognizes that and with a few adjustments we make for ourselves, we can be as happy on the inside as we appear to folks on the outside. It worked for me as well; and now whenever those unpleasant thoughts try to get me off track, I know just what to do. Hope it can help you as well.
And while you know it, I'll say it again, you are a gift to all who have the pleasure of meeting and knowing you, and you are loved even more than you can imagine.
Love, Ernie
http://www.rebtnetwork.org/whatis.html
Kirsti, That was a great blog and sharing. In fact, to post such took a lot of courage and honesty. You would be surprised how many others feel the same as you...including myself. You would think at 61 that would be a mute subject. I have come to realize our world has gotten kind of crazy.The importance of taking time off and enjoying the scenery around you etc. I think about my lifestyle of work and little or no play and have found I forgot how to play. I use to have barbecues often with friends. I used to just stop what I was doing and go to the beach or wherever there water and just hang out. My recent trip to Point Arena was my first vacation in two years. I made a decision not to go that long without a vacation again. We are living in uncertain times and the propaganda of fear by the media and our government certainly does not help. Essentially has influenced us to remain in flight mode... which in turn increases anxiety. When the anxiety comes , sit down and write out 10 things you are thankful for. I do that a lot and it helps. It is not that it changes what is going on but it directs my attention and thoughts away from the anxiety.
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