Friends and Reality

It's always interesting when you realize something that should have been obvious for years.  (And in my case...years and YEARS).  Sometimes these realizations hit me when I'm in the shower.  Sometimes they hit me when I'm driving in the car.  Yesterday I had a bunch of them while talking to a close friend of mine.

I had a good amount of friends growing up.  I don't mean acquaintances.   I mean really, really great friends.  But, life happens and everyone goes their own way and somewhere along the line you lose touch.  Thanks to social media (looking at you, Facebook!), I've been able to reconnect somewhat with old friends, but it definitely isn't like it used to be.  I've met some really great people over the last 15 years that I've become close to, but I've recently come to the realization that not everything is how I had imagined it in my head.

Talking with my friend yesterday, I realized that she knows pretty much everything about me.  She knows my favorite restaurants.  She knows where I stand politically and on social issues.  She knows my family.  She knows what my aspirations are and what my frustrations are.  She knows the most intimate details about me and I know them about her.  We talk about EVERYTHING.  She might be the only person I can say that about other than my husband, child and immediate family.  I am so grateful for her and her friendship.

The other thing I realized while talking to her is that another person in my life (who I had always mistakenly assumed knew me better than almost anyone) barely knows me at all...and I can say the same for her.  Thinking back on it, most of our conversations have been on the surface.  There are topics that are off limits and have never been discussed.  I've always been a very open person, so not being able to discuss certain things has always been hard for me, but I never really thought about it until now.  It's disappointing to realize that you're not really as close to someone as you thought.  This one might take a while to actually sink in.  I have no idea what took me so long to figure this out.  But, maybe this is okay.  Maybe I don't HAVE to have super deep friendships with everyone. I just thought I had it with her.  I love her very much and we will continue to be friends for a very long time.

I have another close friend that I admire and feel so lucky to have in my life.  I created an expectation in my own head of what I wanted our friendship to be.  It didn't quite pan out that way.  I find myself being envious of the super close relationships she has with others, wishing that it was me.  I have no idea why I do this to myself.  It's like I'm back in Junior High and I just want to hang with the cool people and feel accepted.  Envy is not a trait that I'm proud of by any means and I'm sure (hopeful?) that eventually that will fade.  I am not resentful of her and I only wish her well.  I would never want to do anything to jeopardize the friendship we do have.  I also think that we will be friends for a very long time and I'm so grateful for that, too.

I am very lucky to have the friends that I do.  I couldn't imagine any of them NOT being in my life.  They each bring something very special and unique to my life.  My friendships are not complicated.  I think the last fight I had with a friend was in high school.  But, that doesn't mean that they are without the occasional hiccup.  Or, maybe the hiccups are all in my own head.  I'm starting to learn that it's not good to set up expectations of others when they have no idea that they are being held liable and accountable for them.  It's unrealistic and unfair on my part.  Thank you for reminding me of that, Tim Gunn!

I'm learning...I'm learning...