Facebook and the Introvert

Over the years, I have seen many people post about how they're tired of Facebook and are thinking about deactivating their account.  I have read other people's posts about how they feel that technology, and social media sites like Facebook, are causing people to become less connected to each other and the world around them. I know there was even one time when I considered leaving Facebook but I was never able to bring myself to do it.

Yesterday I came to an interesting realization.  While I understand the points these people are making, it became clear to me that Facebook actually helps me get through a maybe otherwise awkward (for me) encounter with people that I may run into on my friends list.  

I'm definitely an introvert, although I think I disguise it well.  People sometimes mistake me for being kind of shy, but that's not always the case.  What people don't know is that when I have to make small talk (especially, but not limited to) people I don't know well, I'm panicking inside. I have TONS of anxiety and try really, really hard not to show it on the outside.  Here's a little secret...I definitely prefer small groups to larger ones.  But, even in small groups, I often disappear for small periods of time to regroup.  Maybe that's weird, but it's definitely something I deal with often and it helps me get through social situations.

Facebook has made these encounters much, much easier for me.  Being able to see what people are up to, what interests they have, and what their daily lives are like make seeing them much more pleasant for me.  It gives me a springboard for conversation and helps me to keep it going forward.  I am honestly genuinely interested in people and their lives, and having a social media site that gives me information makes my encounters much less anxiety ridden.  It also helps me to feel much more connected to people, whether I see them on a daily basis or not.  I have run into people around town and I can immediately pull information from my memory about something they posted...and it actually helps to build my confidence when talking to them.

I'm also not a huge phone person.  Actually...I'm not a phone person at all.  (I've previously talked about my phone phobia).  So, sites like Facebook help me to feel like I am still connected.  I would have lost contact with a LOT of people that I genuinely care about if it weren't for Facebook.  I am hugely grateful for that connection.  Even thought I'm an introvert, I do still long for connection with people.  Being an introvert doesn't mean that I like feeling lonely.

So, if you are one of those people who wants to ditch the social media scene, please do whatever makes you happy.  If I start sweating bullets, stumble on my words, and seem seriously awkward the next time you see me....well, now you know why.  Be kind.  =)

Forgiving Myself

Monday morning, I woke up from a very vivid dream.  In it, I came across a newly opened chocolate shop in the neighborhood where I currently live and I decided to check it out.  After going inside and noticing the very friendly, smiling clerk behind the counter, I froze.  I couldn't move.  All I could do is stand there and watch her as she helped other customers in the store.  I remember her telling the customers that she had recently moved back into the area and was really happy about starting this new business.  After about a minute, she noticed me standing there and asked if she could help me with anything.  I walked towards her, still not being able to speak, and stood in front of the counter.  She stood there smiling at me while asking me questions like what samples I wanted to try, if I lived in the neighborhood, how I found her shop, etc.  I couldn't move, but that didn't seem to stop her from talking to me or even thinking that anything was wrong with me.

Then it hit me.  She didn't recognize me.  She had no idea who I was.  She had completely wiped me out of her memory.  Either that, or she had played it off really well like she didn't know who I was.  I couldn't figure it out, but I was stunned.  She treated me as if I was any other new customer at the shop that she was meeting for the first time.

The last thing I remember about the dream was walking out of the store.  I felt a mixture of sadness and relief.  For whatever reason, I felt as if that would be the last time I would ever see her.  But, I was relieved to see how happy and content she was.

The person in my dream is no stranger to me, although the years that have passed since the last time I saw her would make it seem as if we were.  She was one of my very best friends throughout high school and into the early college years.  We hung out a lot, had common interests, and overall had a lot of fun together.  We vacationed together.  I have a lot of really awesome memories of her and our time together.

The reason why I haven't seen her in many, many years is completely and solely my fault.  I won't get into the specifics of what happened, but I can say that I am the only one to blame for our friendship hitting the wall. To make it even worse, I'm sure that she didn't even see the end coming.

A few years ago, I told my husband that I needed to write to her.  I had been having a lot of dreams about her and I started really worrying about her and how she was doing.  A few years had passed since I had last talked to her and because of my behavior, I knew that I wasn't guaranteed any kind of response from her. But, I needed to apologize.  I needed to tell her how sorry I was for the way I acted.  I make it a mission to not have regrets in my life, but what I did to our friendship is one thing that I do regret.

About a week or so after writing that email, I received a response from her.  My heart raced when I opened my email that day as I had no idea what to expect.  It was a very short but nice response.  It was a great relief, but I was hoping for more.  Not that I DESERVED more by any means at all.  She had every right to not respond, call me out, send something awful....but she didn't.

Since then, I have sent her a short "Happy Birthday" email every year on her birthday.  Every year, she would respond and I would feel a little relieved that she even took the time to do that.  This last Christmas, she even sent me an email (without me writing one first) wishing me a merry Christmas.  I was absolutely shocked and elated that she thought of me on the holiday.  It meant so much to me that she sent that.  More relief.

This summer, like every other year, I sent her my usual "Happy Birthday" email.  Her birthday was almost a month ago.  Unlike the other years, I didn't get a response this time.  It's totally okay.  I don't blame her one bit.  I'm sure she moved on from our friendship years ago.  But, I keep feeling like I have to keep trying.  I have to keep proving how sorry I am.  I have to keep letting her know that she's thought of.

I don't know if she has forgiven me or not.  I hope she has, but if she hasn't, I deserve that.  Where I'm still struggling is with me.  I have not forgiven MYSELF.  I thought that writing that first email and getting a response from her would be enough to help me get passed the situation, but it hasn't.  I still think about her a lot and hope that she's happy.  I hope that she has found a job that she loves and true friends that she can lean on.  I hope that she loves where she lives and the life that she is living.

In my dream, I saw someone who was living a happy life doing something they love and had clearly moved on. I can only hope that it is reflective of how her life is now. I saw myself struggling to let go of a past mistake.

If you're one of my friends who I tend to check up on occasionally to make sure all is well in your world, this is part of the reason why.  I don't want to ever make this mistake again.  I don't ever want to miss something and regret it later.  I want to make sure that I'm there for my friends and loved ones when they need me and I want them to KNOW that.

I'm a work in progress, but I'm getting there.

Change

I am, admittedly, one of those people who has a hard time with change.  I'm sure this drives my husband nuts to no end, but it's definitely something I'm working on.  Years ago when I bought my car, I realized that you can change the color on the radio face plate.  If you don't want to stick with just one color, you can have it rotate, so every few seconds it changes to a different color.  I know this may sound silly, but I have had it on rotate ever since.  Every time I look at it, it reminds me that change is okay.  Change is good.  I have definitely improved but I'm still a work in progress for sure.

This spring, I decided that the best thing I could possibly do for myself was to take the entire summer off of work.  Luckily, my position working for a school district makes that a very easy option.  I wasn't sure that I'd be able to do that at my other job, but I have the best boss in the entire world and we were able to work it out.  My emotional, physical, and mental health have improved greatly since taking the time off, so I now know that it was the right decision.  I was worried at first from a financial standpoint, but now I'm realizing that I worried for nothing.  The last time I took time off in the summer was when I was pregnant 3 years ago and that was because I had to.  I really need to work on getting out of my head and stop worrying so much about everything.  Life is pretty grand when you can stop to look around.

This new school year is going to come with another big change.  I am being transferred to a different site in my school district.  I'll be working with the same population of special education students but I'll be back at a comprehensive high school campus.  The big change in this is the fact that I've never worked at this high school before.  I don't know the staff or the students well at all.  In fact, I don't even know the layout of the school very well.  I'm feeling now like I did 13 years ago.  I need to learn everything all over again, as this class functions differently than the one I've been in for the last 7 years.  I'm excited but anxious.  I'm nervous but hopeful.  I'm going to miss my adult students dearly, but I'm embracing this opportunity and leaping with every ounce of confidence I can muster.

Here's to new opportunities and change!

The Inevitable Question

August 2011

There are some questions in life that you just have to expect from people at some point.  When Lance and I started dating, everyone wanted to know when we were going to get married.  When we got married, everyone wanted to know when we were going to have kids.  Now that we have a kid, everyone wants to know when or if we're going to have another one.  I have had a large number of people ask me that last question lately.  It's probably because Logan is 2 years old now and that's when a lot of people seem to think about trying for another child.  I thought that this would be the best place to answer this question since my blog (and Facebook) seem to attract the most people who are interested in what is going on in our lives.

So, are you ready for my answer?  The answer is...we don't know.

Truthfully, that is our honest answer.  Totally anticlimactic, huh?  Sorry if I disappointed  you.  

Lance and I talk about this all the time and we are totally on the same page.  Bringing Logan into the world was the most fantastic, life-changing, beautiful experience of our lives.  He is an amazing little boy and we will forever be grateful and honored to be his parents.  He has also spoiled us rotten by being such a great kid.  He was sleeping through the night at 2 weeks old.  He was not a fussy baby.  He is very well connected to the people around him.  He is a very happy little boy.

There are many factors that will come with our decision...whatever that will be and whenever we decide to make it.  I can assure you, though, that it is not a decision that we will be making for quite a few years.  We will have to see where we stand financially, since that is the biggest factor in all of this.  I've had some people tell me that "you always find a way to work it out."  That may be true, but I am already working more than one job to make sure that my family is being taken care of.  I know people mean well and that their intentions are good, but we must not assume that we know the position of the other person.  Finding a way to "work it out" is often easier said than done.  We know this...we want to be able to provide Logan with a great life filled with great experiences.  That is our number one priority.  

There would also be a housing issue.  We LOVE where we are living right now.  It is absolutely perfect for the 3 of us, but if we added another child to our family, we would most definitely have to find another place to live, as this place only has 2 bedrooms.  I have said many, many times that I love our place so much that I hope to never leave it.  This is the first place (outside of the home that I grew up in as a child) that I have felt at home.  That is a big deal.

People have also asked me if we'll try to adopt again.  My answer is the same as above.  We don't know.  We are looking at the same factors as with trying for a biological child.  I don't regret one moment of going through that long process, but I do confess that it was an emotionally draining 3 year time period that I'm not sure I'm willing to go through again.  It's not that it's not worth it.  We just know what it would entail and we're not ready to commit to that again just yet.  But, maybe one day.

Let me just say, though, that we have not ruled out the possibility of having another child.  It is just not something that is on the agenda for the near future.  I have always said that I would love for Logan to have a brother or sister, but we also know a lot of couples who have only one child and they are doing just fine.  I know that people have their opinions about this, as I've often been informed of them, but Lance and I need to do what is best for us and Logan.  I'm sorry if that sounds really harsh.  I don't mean for it to be.  But, nobody walks in our shoes except for us.  

I hope that this answered some questions.  I realize that some people might be disappointed that we haven't decided yet, but give us a few years.  Right now, we are enjoying our time with our little man and taking everything in life one day at a time.

Friends and Reality

It's always interesting when you realize something that should have been obvious for years.  (And in my case...years and YEARS).  Sometimes these realizations hit me when I'm in the shower.  Sometimes they hit me when I'm driving in the car.  Yesterday I had a bunch of them while talking to a close friend of mine.

I had a good amount of friends growing up.  I don't mean acquaintances.   I mean really, really great friends.  But, life happens and everyone goes their own way and somewhere along the line you lose touch.  Thanks to social media (looking at you, Facebook!), I've been able to reconnect somewhat with old friends, but it definitely isn't like it used to be.  I've met some really great people over the last 15 years that I've become close to, but I've recently come to the realization that not everything is how I had imagined it in my head.

Talking with my friend yesterday, I realized that she knows pretty much everything about me.  She knows my favorite restaurants.  She knows where I stand politically and on social issues.  She knows my family.  She knows what my aspirations are and what my frustrations are.  She knows the most intimate details about me and I know them about her.  We talk about EVERYTHING.  She might be the only person I can say that about other than my husband, child and immediate family.  I am so grateful for her and her friendship.

The other thing I realized while talking to her is that another person in my life (who I had always mistakenly assumed knew me better than almost anyone) barely knows me at all...and I can say the same for her.  Thinking back on it, most of our conversations have been on the surface.  There are topics that are off limits and have never been discussed.  I've always been a very open person, so not being able to discuss certain things has always been hard for me, but I never really thought about it until now.  It's disappointing to realize that you're not really as close to someone as you thought.  This one might take a while to actually sink in.  I have no idea what took me so long to figure this out.  But, maybe this is okay.  Maybe I don't HAVE to have super deep friendships with everyone. I just thought I had it with her.  I love her very much and we will continue to be friends for a very long time.

I have another close friend that I admire and feel so lucky to have in my life.  I created an expectation in my own head of what I wanted our friendship to be.  It didn't quite pan out that way.  I find myself being envious of the super close relationships she has with others, wishing that it was me.  I have no idea why I do this to myself.  It's like I'm back in Junior High and I just want to hang with the cool people and feel accepted.  Envy is not a trait that I'm proud of by any means and I'm sure (hopeful?) that eventually that will fade.  I am not resentful of her and I only wish her well.  I would never want to do anything to jeopardize the friendship we do have.  I also think that we will be friends for a very long time and I'm so grateful for that, too.

I am very lucky to have the friends that I do.  I couldn't imagine any of them NOT being in my life.  They each bring something very special and unique to my life.  My friendships are not complicated.  I think the last fight I had with a friend was in high school.  But, that doesn't mean that they are without the occasional hiccup.  Or, maybe the hiccups are all in my own head.  I'm starting to learn that it's not good to set up expectations of others when they have no idea that they are being held liable and accountable for them.  It's unrealistic and unfair on my part.  Thank you for reminding me of that, Tim Gunn!

I'm learning...I'm learning...

Finding Myself

I'm not really sure how many times I have started and stopped writing a blog post over the last year and a half.  I'm also not totally sure why I stopped writing.  Maybe it was fear...fear that I would expose more of myself than I wanted.  Maybe it was confidence...which is something I have definitely been lacking over the last few years.  Or, maybe it was just that I felt that I had nothing to say...nothing to contribute.

So many things have happened in the last year and a half.  We had to say goodbye to a couple of our furry family members.  We sold our house and moved in with my parents for 6 weeks.  We then moved into a great condo about a mile from where my sister and I grew up.  Lance and I celebrated 10 years of marriage.  Logan turned 2 years old and started preschool.  I took on more job responsibilities.  I have lost friends and I have gained friends.  And, somewhere along the way, I seem to have lost myself.

I'm still at a loss for how it happened, but I know it did.  My anxiety has grown exponentially and my confidence has shrunk.  I get mad at myself for not being organized, forgetting things and feeling unproductive.  I used to be able to let the little things go much more easily.  Now, I have a hard time telling my brain to shut off and usually find myself tossing and turning at night without getting much sleep.  This is not the *me* that I used to know.

I didn't have postpartum depression after having my son, but I definitely developed some sort of postpartum anxiety disorder.  With a huge sigh of relief, I can say that a lot of that is over now.  I do still deal with it occasionally, but the severity of anxiety that I had experienced is something that I can't quite explain or, more honestly, don't want to even think about much.  I'm just so glad that I seem to be on the way out of that experience.  It wasn't pleasant...for any of us.

One thing that I do know is that I LOVE being a mother...and a wife...and a daughter...and a sister...and a friend.  I love nothing more than picking up my little guy from school and bringing him home to play until he has to go to bed.  I love watching my son discover things, say new words and have genuine emotions and reactions to the world around him.  I love hanging out with my hubby, my family and friends.  I have a really great life and I'm so grateful for it.  But, I have to figure out a way to be happy with ME.

I'm really striving to live in the moment and to know that in this moment, I am okay.  I worry too much.  I make myself sick with worry and I know it's not good for me.  All of my issues...my insecurities, my worry, my doubts...are mainly internal.  On the outside, most people think nothing is wrong.  I have a student who asks me at LEAST once a week, "Kirsti, why are you laughing so much?"  I am a genuinely happy person.  I just need to learn to let things go and relax.  My mission is to find out how to do that.

There are a lot of people who have stuck by me and have been better friends than I ever could have imagined.  To those who have offered hugs, words of encouragement and have really been there, I thank you sincerely.

My "A-ha!" Moment

For Valentine's Day this year, Lance bought me my very own Nook. I have to admit, although very shamefully, that I have never been much of a reader. It has really been years since I have picked up a book to read. Sure, I read newspapers and magazines, but hardly ever a book. I absolutely love my new gift. I think I have read more in the last two weeks than I have in the last 5 years. Again...I am not proud of this fact.

I have found over the years that I am definitely more interested in non-fiction than anything else. I love reading people's stories...accomplishments, falls, failures and triumphs. The first book I purchased with my new e-reader was Gunn's Golden Rules: Life's Little Lessons For Making It Work by Tim Gunn. I am blowing through it faster than I could have ever imagined. I love it. I have been a fan of his for some time and I really love him on Project Runway.

There was a very particular paragraph in his book that made me stop dead in my tracks. I have mentioned before that I feel as though some of my personal relationships have gotten weaker in the last 6 months. I have tried talking to Lance about it but I never felt satisfied with my conclusions. Tim Gunn offered a new perspective that I think goes pretty perfectly with my situation:

"I find with complaints in general, you need to know the whole context, including what the expectation was. So frequently, I've found that the expectation has been totally false, a creation of the person's own imagination. They're disappointed not to get something they were never promised."

I have learned that I have put expectations on people that have no idea they are being held liable for anything. I created the expectation and found myself disappointed when there was no follow-through. I brought this on myself. The lightbulb finally came on...and I was actually relieved to have realized this.

Thank you, Tim Gunn! You may have saved me some very precious future time in therapy.

It's kind of like that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie's boyfriend tells Miranda that the guy she thinks is going to call her really ISN'T going to call because "he's just not that into you." Apparently, I find myself trying too hard to keep things alive that maybe should be put to rest.

So, then the question remains...how long do you try to save a relationship before it is too much? When you're friends with someone, shouldn't there automatically be some unspoken expectations? I'm not sure what the answers are, but I do know now that I have to learn to reset my expectations of people...including myself.

In The Last 4 Months...

Day one

2 weeks old

2 months old

3 months old

4 months old

The last 4 months have brought a whirlwind of change and emotions for me. I am ecstatic to finally be in the mommy club. It has been such a long and emotional road for me and Lance that I sometimes thought it wasn't going to happen. I enjoy every minute with my little man...playing with him, watching him discover new things, watching him sleep, seeing his personality develop. It is such an amazing thing to watch this little person that you created discover and grow and learn.

I was lucky enough to have been able to stay home with him during his first 10 1/2 weeks of life. It was such a great time to bond with him and get to know him. I was never the kind of person who wanted to be a full time stay-at-home Mom, but I enjoyed (and still do!) every second I spend with him. I went back to work on November 1 and had mixed emotions about that. As much as I miss seeing Logan all day everyday, I was really craving adult interaction. I wasn't confident enough to leave the house for very long with him on my own, so I didn't get out much. I think about him all day when I'm at work, though. I'm so very grateful for the jobs that Lance and I have. I am home by 3:30pm everyday, I never have to work a weekend or a holiday and we have a lot of time off during the year during the summer and other breaks. They are the perfect jobs for us to have!

Along with the joy of having Logan around, I faced a lot of other emotions that I wasn't ready for. I felt guilty for having to stop breastfeeding so early on in his life. My hormones, which were very much under control during my pregnancy, were completely out of whack after I gave birth. Then I dealt with a pretty heavy case of the baby blues. It didn't develop into postpartum depression, but it was definitely something that I wasn't prepared for or knew exactly how to get through. It would always strike me in the evening. Lance would ask me a simple question like, "does chicken sound good for dinner?" and I would find myself hiding in the bathroom to cry for the next 20 minutes...and wonder why in the heck was I crying?

I also struggled with a lot of personal relationships. There were a few people that I had felt really close to and then after Logan was born, it was as if they had disappeared. It was months before I got so much as a text from them to find out how I was doing. On the flip side, there were people who I didn't feel quite as close to or hadn't seen or talked to in YEARS that were contacting me to find out how I was doing. One of them even went out of her way to make and bring us dinner! It was so sweet of these people to think of me and I will forever be grateful to them.

The last 4 months have left me with a lot to think about. Of course, my main priorities have changed for us and my focus is now on Logan. However, I have learned that I can't lose myself in my new role or rely on other people to make me happy. I need to figure out how to do that myself. This next year, I will be devoting myself to change and a year of firsts...my first year as a Mom, different activities, hobbies and new adventures. I want to be a better person for myself, my husband and my son.

Here goes nothing!

Logan

Our first family picture!

It has taken me a really long time to update my blog and I'm so happy that I finally have a chance to do it! Here is a little bit of what happened when Logan entered the world:

At 11:28pm on August 18, Logan was born. I went into the hospital on Tuesday, August 17 at 6pm and they started inducing about an hour later. I was feeling really great until about 2am...when the contractions were starting to get intense and seemed like they wouldn't let up. The nurses kept telling me that I needed to try and rest as much as possible but I knew that I wouldn't be able to with those contractions, so I asked for an epidural. It was the best possible thing I could have asked for. The little prick in my back brought me instant relief...and the anesthesiologist instantly became my best friend. Lance and I were able to get some sleep after that. All was well.

At about 8:45am the family started to arrive. My parents, sister and Lance's dad all arrived at the same time. I was talking to my Mom and sister when, at promptly 9:05am, my water broke. It was sudden and unexpected but very much welcome! We thought FOR SURE it wouldn't be long after that. Boy were we wrong!

The time passed and we waited...and waited...and waited. The doctor came in to check on me every once in a while but I was progressing so slowly that there wasn't much more to do than just wait. Luckily, I was feeling FANTASTIC from the epidural and wasn't in any pain whatsoever. My family kept staring at the monitor in amazement that I wasn't feeling the huge contractions that I was having. Lance kept me entertained by reading me all of the comments that people were leaving on Facebook.

Things started changing around 9pm. I was starting to feel A LOT of pressure *down there*. My epidural was also wearing off so I was starting to feel everything. It is quite a shock going from feeling absolutely nothing to feeling EVERYTHING at 8-9cm dilated. The anesthesiologist came in to see if he could adjust my epidural. It worked for a very short amount of time and then stopped working. He tried a different medication but that didn't work at all. After 18 hours of having the epidural, my body became tolerant of it and it stopped taking effect. I didn't have any other choice at that time but to just breathe and get through it.

After a while of squeezing the crap out of my sister's hand while breathing through contractions, I thought for sure that I was ready to push. My doctor came in and said that I had not progressed and that I was still only 8-9cm. I was absolutely miserable by this point. The contractions were seriously strong, I could feel him drop into the birth canal and I was shaking almost uncontrollably in my bed. I was also unbelievably hot. My family said the room was an ice box but it wasn't cool enough for me. My sister put wet washcloths all over me...on my head, arms, legs, feet...and it still wasn't enough. By this point I had also developed a fever. I saw the nurse consulting with the doctor and I knew what it was about. The came over to me with what they thought was going to be bad news to me...I was going to need a c-section. I was elated! I was ready to meet my new little man.

Everything went super smooth in delivery. It took about a half hour and then they rolled me into recovery. The nurse was really nice and let me talk her ear off...which is what I needed at that moment to get through the pain. After about an hour, my pain was under control and I was rolled into my postpartum room down the hall.

I will never forgot the moment I first saw my baby boy. In my eyes, he was perfect. I think my first words were, "he's so cute!" I was so happy to hear that he was here...safe...healthy. After years and years of trying to start a family with Lance, we had finally done it. I couldn't have been happier!

Except for one lactation consultant at the hospital, the care I received was absolutely top notch. All of my nurses in labor and delivery, surgery, recovery and postpartum were so unbelievably nice and supportive. My doctor and anesthesiologists were fantastic. The perinatologists and medical assistants were so friendly and nice. I couldn't have asked for a better team of doctors and professionals to have helped me in my journey. Maybe we will all meet again in a few more years.

Maybe...

Progress!

I was at my parent's house yesterday when my sister decided that she wanted to do a little photo shoot. I didn't really have any pictures of me and my growing belly so I was grateful that she wanted to do that. So, here I am at 37 weeks, 2 days along!

I have continued to have lots of doctor appointments. My non-stress tests have been great and have showed that my fluid levels are perfect and baby is doing fantastic. I saw my OBGYN on Thursday and I found out that I am now 50% effaced and 1cm dilated. I wasn't dilated at all at my last appointment, so we were really pleased about the progress! Hopefully everything will continue to develop naturally. At my appointment, my doctor went through my chart and pulled up the report with Logan's growth assessment. It's always reassuring when the doctor exclaims, "Wow! Your baby's head is off the charts!" We all had a little laugh about it, yet I have a feeling I'm not going to be the one laughing when I need to push that big noggin out when the time comes. Oh well!

Other than that, there really isn't much more to report on right now. I'm still having braxton hicks contractions, but none that would signal active labor. I'm having a little bit of back labor, as my lower back has been sore off and on for a few days now and I have a little bit of ligament pain when I stand to walk. I'm also feeling more pressure *down there*, but all of this is perfectly normal for where I am in the pregnancy right now. I've actually tried to take some video of him moving in my belly, but of course, whenever I hit the record button, he stops moving. He's either going to be shy or stubborn just like his daddy. Oops...did I just say that???

Speaking of Lance...I just want to take this opportunity to say how lucky I feel to have him as my partner. He has been absolutely wonderful taking care of me, the pets and the house. I don't think I tell him enough how grateful I am for him and all he does. I LOVE YOU, SWEETIE!!!!

A typical day? Not so much...

This last Saturday, I dealt with a headache that was much bigger than I'm used to. It didn't turn into any kind of migraine, but it was big enough to be quite annoying. It lasted for a few hours and then went away. The next day, Lance and I met one of his former students for lunch and afterward, I came home and took a nap. I woke up from my nap feeling absolutely awful....nausea, lightheaded, hot flashes and another headache. I took my blood pressure and it was higher than what my "normal" is, so I decided to call the on-call doctor. I had some pretty major symptoms of preeclampsia, so I didn't want to risk it. Even after I told her my history of having hypertension, she told me that she just thought I had food poisoning and told me that my blood pressure would have to stay elevated for them to be concerned. I got off the phone with her and rested on the couch for a while. I took my blood pressure again and it had gone down significantly and my nausea, hot flashes and feelings of being lightheaded went away. No more Mexican food for me for a while!

Monday was a much better day. I didn't have any headaches or other symptoms for the entire day. Lance and I went to the perinatologist for another non-stress test and ultrasound. I had been looking forward to this ultrasound because they were going to do a growth assessment on Logan. As it turns out, we have an extremely active child on our hands. So much, in fact, that I had to sit in the chair and be monitored for much longer than usual because he wouldn't stop moving. They look for a baseline on the monitor and compare his heart rate when he's at rest and when he moves, but if he continues to move, they can't get a good reading on him. It's all good news, though, because he's active. It would be scary to have a baby that didn't move much. The ultrasound showed that all of his fluids are fantastic. After doing the growth assessment, they determined that he is in the 71st percentile for growth and is currently weighing in at around 6 pounds, 14 ounces. They also told me that his head....his big, "perfectly round" (as they called it), noggin is in the 98th percentile for size. Holy moly!!!! I told the doctor that I didn't want to push out a 10 pound baby with a head that big. Nope. Not me! I'll keep my legs closed until they cut him out thankyouverymuch. Not happening. I think she felt my pain because she placed her hand on my arm and said, "We don't want that for you, either." I told her that my OBGYN wants to induce at 39 weeks and my perinatologist told me that she actually hopes that he comes on his own in the next two weeks. I couldn't hope for a better scenario! Fingers crossed!

I woke up this morning feeling as good as I did yesterday, which was quite the relief. I had a dentist appointment that went really well in the morning. They told me that I've taken fantastic care of my teeth and they were especially impressed with how well my gums looked for being so far along in my pregnancy. I had very little pregnancy related gingivitis and very little plaque. Lance and I headed to a scheduled appointment at my OBGYN's office in the early afternoon. The medical assistant took my blood pressure and told me it was slightly elevated, but didn't seem too concerned. Then she asked me if I would be okay with a nurse practitioner student doing my exam today instead of the NP that was supposed to see me. I figured that it wouldn't hurt, and besides, students need to practice on someone, right? The student came in and she instantly seemed like a nervous, hot mess. I could tell that she was trying really hard to ask every question imaginable and do everything by the book but she seemed really nervous and was kind of fumbling around. I think this made me nervous, because when she took my blood pressure (both standing and sitting), it was very, very high. She did my exam and then took my blood pressure for a 3rd time. It was still high, but lower than it was the previous two times. After asking another billion questions, she headed out to consult with the NP I was originally supposed to see. They both came back into the room a few minutes later and told me that they contacted the on-call doctor at the hospital and it was her recommendation that I come to the hospital to be monitored for a while to check my blood pressure and how the baby was doing. With absolutely no hesitation, Lance and I left and headed the 1/2 mile or so up to the hospital.

I have to say...I feel really lucky to be in such good hands. I love my doctors and I really love the hospital where I'm going to be delivering. I was a patient there for a week back in 2001 and the care I received was stellar. It was no different this time. Lance and I arrived and they already had a room ready and waiting for me. I laid in the bed for about two hours while they had me hooked up to a fetal monitor, another monitor that measures and records your contractions and a blood pressure machine that would take my blood pressure every 15 minutes. They also had a lady come in from the lab to draw some blood. After two hours, the nurse told me that I was free to go. My blood pressure had gone down and stabilized and the baby looked great. I have to go back to the OBGYN office on Friday for a follow-up appointment and call to get my urine culture results on Thursday. I signed some paperwork and I was discharged. Everything is good!

I also found out today a bit more information about being induced. Unless Logan decides to come earlier, they are going to admit me to the hospital the evening of August 17 and I will be induced the following morning. I don't have any times yet, but I will be sure to let people know once I find out. I'm still hoping that he comes a bit earlier than this, but I'm really happy about the fact that they're not letting me get to 40 weeks.

Stay tuned!

My Full-Time Summer Job

I have made no secret of the fact that this summer my full-time job has included doctor appointments, baby classes, organizing the baby room, appointments at the diabetes center and managing my diabetes and blood pressure. I am so incredibly glad that I decided not to work at the school district this summer. I really don't know how I would have managed to do everything I not only wanted to do, but NEEDED to do.

Today happened to be a pretty busy day for us. I had two doctor appointments. My first one was with my OB-GYN. She informed me that because of my gestational diabetes, she will not let me get to 40 weeks gestation, so unless he decides to come earlier, she will induce labor at 39 weeks. This means that I will be induced on either August 17th or 18th. Of course, if he decides to come before 39 weeks, that would be okay, too. I will be 35 weeks on Wednesday and I'm far enough along now that there isn't a whole lot that we would need to worry about as far as his development is concerned. With gestational diabetes, the biggest risk is that the baby will become too large for delivery, which is why they won't let me get that far along. Lance and I were absolutely thrilled to hear that we'll get to meet our little guy at least a week before his actual due date! For many reasons, this will definitely work out to everyone's advantage.

We also talked to my doctor about getting vaccinated for Whooping Cough (Pertussis). This has started to become a real problem and cases of it have really increased in California. She said that I will be vaccinated before I am discharged from the hospital and the baby will be vaccinated when he is a few months old. Lance is going to get vaccinated this week and I have already sent information to my parents and sister about clinics in our area that are offering free vaccinations. I would really encourage everyone to please get vaccinated. There are many clinics that offer it free of charge and it is good for 10 years. Getting poked in the arm is so worth not spreading this horrible disease to a little one. Okay...enough of my lecturing...

My second appointment was at the perinatology office. I've been going there twice a week for the last few weeks to do non-stress tests. Once a week they also do an ultrasound, which is always fun. Today, for the first time, the ultrasound tech actually got a pretty good shot of his face and we were able to see him sticking his tongue out and moving his mouth. We even got to watch him stick his fingers in his mouth and start sucking on them. I almost died! It was such a cool moment to see him do that. The non-stress test took longer than usual today because he was being a little bit hyperactive. They waited until his heart rate came down a bit before letting me out of the chair. At one of my appointments next week, they will measure his growth again. At my first appointment today, I learned that I am now right at my prepregnancy weight and after measuring my belly, he seemed to be right on track for growth. It was also confirmed today that he was still head down and in the exact position he's supposed to be in. He has been in that position for a while now. I am anxious to find out what his growth measures to be next week!

Anyway, we are really, really happy with the way everything is going right now. My glucose numbers have been excellent, my blood pressure has been pretty stable and he seems to be growing and developing exactly the way he is supposed to. Lets just hope that this continues for the next 4 weeks!

Baby Shower

On Saturday, June 26, my sister threw me a beautiful baby shower at my parent's house. I was so overwhelmed by how many of my family and friends came to celebrate this special day. We received some of the most adorable clothes I've ever seen along with some really beautiful handmade blankets, quilts and booties. I have some seriously talented friends and family!

I just want to take the opportunity to thank everyone who made this day so special. My sister put in countless hours making decorations, baking, shopping and everything else in between. My parents used their entire week of vacation leading up to the shower making sure that the house and property was set for a big party and making some delicious food for the shower. Thank you to the 30+ people who showed up to help celebrate from very near and VERY far! Two people drove for over 3 hours to get there and one person drove 5 hours each way to be there! All 3 of them also turned around and went home after the shower. I don't know how they did that! I also had 3 family members take a 12 hour train ride to be there. Thank you, also, to the friends and family who couldn't be there but sent your well wishes and gifts. We truly appreciate each and every one of you and are grateful to have you all in our lives!

I've created this slide show of the shower for those who wish to view it. It was a very special day and one that I will remember for a long time. Thank you everyone!!!

Logan's Mural

I have such an incredibly talented sister! Bre came over today and painted this super cute mural in Logan's room. It was so sad to see the old one go, as it has been up in the baby room for over 3 1/2 years now. We had lavender walls with cute little bugs on this wall and the surrounding ones, but it was a bit girly to keep for our little boy. I wanted a blue/brown/beige color scheme and Lance wanted a sailboat, so Bre was able to combine the two ideas and come up with this! It also matches a cute bedding set that I have on my registry. We really couldn't be happier with the results of the mural!

Thank you, Bre!!! You're going to make such a great Auntie. I'm so lucky to have a sister like you. I love you!!!!!!!!!!

Let Summer Begin!

There's our little guy! We had an ultrasound about a week and a half ago and Logan checked out great! At the appointment, they said he weighed about 2.14 pounds and was in the 66th percentile for size. We scheduled a bunch of non stress tests to be performed this summer starting on June 28th. As of now, everything looks to be right on track with him, so there's no need to worry about the tests. Again, it's just a precaution. It involves me going into the perinatology office twice a week for 4-5 weeks so they can monitor him.

I think this picture of him is so funny. He looks like a little monkey who is holding a stuffed ducky. It also kind of looks like he's smiling. I hope he's a happy little guy!

A couple of weeks ago, I was officially diagnosed with gestational diabetes. My numbers weren't drastically high but they were elevated enough to get the diagnosis. I've since been to two diabetes classes with other pregnant women. I found the classes to be very thorough and informative. We had to track everything we ate for a week and we were given a blood sugar monitor and told to measure our levels 4 times a day. During the second class, a nutritionist and dietitian looked over what we ate and where are blood sugar levels were for the week. My numbers were all fantastic except for a couple of fasting numbers in the morning. In the middle of the night, your body gives you a boost of sugar that can sometimes give you a high reading first thing in the morning when you check your blood sugar. That is what was happening to me. So, Monday morning I have to go back to the diabetes center where they will show me how to give myself an injection of insulin before I go to bed at night. This will allow my blood sugar to stay lower when I check it first thing in the morning. This will be the only shot I will have to give myself because all of my other numbers are great. They assured me that giving myself this shot at night is not a bad thing and that lots of women have a problem with that particular reading. They also told me that out of the 5 women that were in my class, 3 of us are being treated for the same thing. I definitely don't feel alone in this.

I have been doing really well at managing my sugar levels and my eating habits. I'm really happy about the fact that when I have control over what I eat during the day, my numbers are great. I have been walking with Lance and Freyja every night, except for a few nights, and on those nights I hop on my stationary bike to continue to get some exercise. The exercise and change in eating habits has actually caused me to lose some weight. In fact, I am 7 months along and I am at my prepregnancy weight. I had gained a total of 5 pounds when I checked in at my 24 week appointment but at week 29, I had lost all 5 of those pounds. The doctor, again, was not concerned about this and in fact, it was me who brought up the fact that I had lost weight. I'm eating healthy, I'm exercising and Logan is growing the way he is supposed to.

He's also kicking me like crazy as I write this. *smile*

Yesterday was my last day of the school year. I can't believe that I just finished my 10th year with the district. Boy, how time flies! Since I'm so far along in my pregnancy, I'm not working summer school. My wonderful, loving, sweet husband is doing it instead to bring us in a little extra cash. (I hope he reads this!) I know that working over the summer isn't his favorite thing to do, but I do appreciate that he offered to do it. If I wasn't so close to the end of my pregnancy, I would probably work it. The timing of me not working seems to be perfect, though, seeing that I'm going to have a ton of appointments from now until the end. He's due in only 10 1/2 more weeks....yikes!!! He's going to be here before we know it!

The hot weather has finally hit us and Lance is super happy about it...me, not so much. I don't tolerate heat well as it is, but when you're carrying around a person all day long, it's really not so much fun. I'm looking forward to us finding a pool that I can dunk myself in this summer. Summer has definitely started!

Second Time's A Charm?

I decided to take last Friday off of work to do my glucose test, which is what is done to check for gestational diabetes. My students were going on an outing to San Francisco, so there was no way I was going to be able to coordinate my test with being able to meet my students before they hopped on BART, so I took the day off. I got the call from my doctor's office yesterday afternoon informing me that I had failed my test.

Major bummer.

So, tomorrow morning, I get to go do it again. Only this time, instead of drinking the solution and waiting one hour for them to draw my blood, I get to have my blood drawn right away, drink the solution and then get my blood drawn every hour (on the hour) after that for 3 hours. That's 4 blood draws in 3 hours. Good thing I don't have a problem with needles! (Or blood, for that matter).

I really hope that I'm not diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I was told on the phone yesterday that they definitely weren't sure if I had it, which is why we're doing the 3 hour test. They look for your reading to be 140 or less. I read at 175. Apparently, if you reach a certain number, they stop testing you and you're automatically put on a special diet. I've already given up tuna and deli sandwiches...please don't take away milkshakes, too!

I'm not really complaining. I know this is important and I'm taking it seriously, but I'm not worried about it. If it turns out that I have it, I'll deal with it. I've been really lucky so far with my pregnancy and I have really enjoyed being pregnant. Up to this point, I have dodged so many things that other people have to deal with and for that I feel really lucky.

I have also started having some Braxton Hicks contractions. Boy, is that a reminder of what is coming soon! It just gets more and more real everyday. Love it!

Wish me luck tomorrow!

25 weeks!

I've had some people ask me lately to post a picture of my baby bump. Here is the first one! I'm almost 26 weeks along and I'm feeling really good. I'm a bit tired when I come home from work these days so I've been taking more naps in the afternoons. I only have 4 more weeks of work until summer break. I'm really looking forward to the time off!

Everything has been going really well with us. Last Monday, Lance was able to feel Logan move for the first time. It was so great for him to finally feel him move. He has been moving quite a bit. I think we're going to have a very active baby! My doctor even commented on how active he is. I've really enjoyed my pregnancy so far. I've been very lucky when it comes to so many things. My doctor is monitoring my blood pressure but after increasing one of my meds two weeks ago, she seems to be happier with my readings. I'm going to do my glucose test this Friday. Wish me luck!

Lance and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary last Tuesday. We decided to keep it low key and go to dinner at BJ's Brewhouse. Lance bought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a Wolverine birthday card. Yes...a Wolverine BIRTHDAY card. It was awesome! He said it was because the store was out of anniversary cards. He didn't even need to give me an explanation. I thought it was pretty funny.

Freyja

Puppy Love

A quick update

Today I had a follow up appointment at my OB-GYN office to check my blood pressure. It was quite high at my last appointment so they wanted me to come in to see how it was doing two weeks later. My initial reading today was high at 160/90. We talked for a few minutes and then she told me to lay down so I could listen to the baby's heartbeat. I sat back up and after a couple more minutes, she took my blood pressure again. It went down to 140/82. Still a little high but much better! She consulted with another doctor in the office and they decided not to bump up my meds at this time. I gave her the rundown of how my readings have been over the last 2 weeks and since it hasn't been consistently high, they don't want to mess with my meds just yet. We wouldn't want my blood pressure to get too low, especially since my bottom number has been overwhelmingly good lately. I have another appointment with them in 2 weeks. This appointment will be for my 22 week check up and they will see how my blood pressure is doing then.

Tomorrow is the big day! As long as baby cooperates, we should know tomorrow afternoon whether we're having a boy or a girl! I couldn't be more excited.

Spring Break!

I really thought that this week was never going to come. Life has been crazy over the last couple of weeks for me. I have been super stressed about some things that have transpired in my life, although they have nothing to do with my home or family. Hopefully, some things will be resolved in the next couple of months. Until then, I keep looking forward to these wonderful breaks!

Lance and I had our 18 week appointment on March 24th. Everything checked out great! We got to hear the baby's heartbeat and all seems well. Bre was able to go with us to that appointment, so it was really neat for her to get to experience that as well. I had only gained 2 1/2 pounds since my 10 week appointment. I just don't have the appetite I did before getting pregnant. My blood pressure was quite high, though. It read at 160/96, which happens to be a new record for me. Instead of waiting to see my OB-GYN at 22 weeks, she is having me come back next week for a blood pressure check to see how it's doing. I have been taking my blood pressure everyday since my last appointment and it has been quite up and down. It is definitely on the higher side when I'm at work or have just come home from work and much lower when I'm at home. Hmmm.....

Spring Break is going to be a very busy week for us, but in a very good way. I have been waiting for this week to come for so long now and I'm more than thrilled that it is finally here! On Easter, I will head over to my sister's boyfriend's parent's house for dinner with my family. Lance goofed and bought a ticket to go to the comic book convention that day, thinking that Easter was the following weekend. So, we won't get to spend the holiday together. On Monday, we are FINALLY getting our new dishwasher! I never thought I'd be this excited about getting a new dishwasher, but I really am. Oh, to have clean dishes again! I have a doctor appointment on Tuesday to check my blood pressure. I'm also going to a concert with my parents that night. I have two doctor appointments on Wednesday. The first one is my 20 week ultrasound where we will (hopefully!) find out if we're having a boy or a girl. Lets hope that baby cooperates! The afternoon appointment is for a Fetal Echo. They are doing this as a precaution. Lance and I are leaving town on Thursday and going up to Eureka for a couple of days. We have never been up that way before and we're really looking forward to just getting out of town for a relaxing and fun little getaway. Boy, can we both use it right now!

So....what's your guess?